Eric Paul Johnson (capsuper) wrote in lj_turns10,
Eric Paul Johnson

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For the book

Here are a couple of entries I'd like to submit for the big LJ book...
Smitten Mittens
Eric Finds His Bee-Hole
This chunk of an entry from October 9, 2005
Since I don't have a car Wendy comes over every Monday to drive me around.
She came over around 4, and we went to Target. I used to use unscented Classic Ban Solid. Before that I used Sure. But two years ago Sure changed their formula and it didn't work against the power of my pits anymore. I tried Ban. It was cheap and worked. To remember which one to get I would think, "There's a Ban on Sure."
A couple months ago Target stopped selling the Ban I used. They still had unscented Ban, but the more pricey roll-on. So I've been looking for something to replace it, but still cheap. All the deodorants at Target have scents. Look, man, I buy deodorant so my pits don't smell. If I want to smell like anything I spend $40 on a bottle of Polo. The choice of unscented pit-smears was very limited. I tried unscented Secret. After all, it is strong enough for a man. I forgot that it was also pH balanced for a woman. I didn't stink, but it didn't stop my pits from pooling up with sweat. Plus, it's clear Secret wasn't designed for hairy armpits.
Next I tried some unscented natural hippie stuff that was on sale. Worked fine for a week. Then one day I reached to put one of the launch towers in the Legoland Astroplex back up that I accidentally kicked over. I said to myself, "Whoa! Is that me?" And yup, it was me who smelled like a bum's armpit.
So, me and Wendy were looking through the deodorant aisle at Target for the right combination of unscented and under $2. There wasn't much to chose from. I went on my rant about why do deodorants have to have a smell. The only way I want to smell is Polo, but Polo deodorant is 14 bucks. We took caps off and smelled deodorants. Wendy thought this stuff had ridiculous scent names. "EXTREME SPORT," "ACTIVE SPORTY ACTION." It's just deodorant, what's with the stupid extreeeeeme names?
I saw Speed Stick had a scent called "Cool Fusion." I had no idea the people at Mennen were creating fusion. I'm wondering to myself, "What does fusion smell like?" So I take off the cap and take a snort of fusion. Actually smelled good. Kind of Polo-ey. Wendy agreed, so I got that.
Thanks to Speed Stick I can now generate clean electricity to power my apartment from the cold fusion in my armpits. AND it smells good, too. Wanna come over and take a snort of my sweaty pits?

Change Me OR I P'd My Pants OR Cented Panties
So long ago...Was it just a dream?

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